Day 83 of 365

1. That NGB forgave me for being such a grump this morning
2. I have not cried today (yet)
3. The guts call the dentist for an appointment because I know I have a cavity... 
4. I have confidence in me and in my abilities. Finally.
5. Unicorns and rainbows and cotton candy and kittens

Yes, I am not having a good day. 

Yes, I am struggling for GiSTs. 

Yes, I know I haven't posted real content in awhile. 

Yes, I know that no one notices :) 

To Wednesday being better!!

Day 82 of 365

1. There is so much to read (and waste time with) on the internet
2. An efficient line for morning coffee
3. NGB. Right now, I am just so grateful he is in my life. 
4. My car will one day, eventually, be fixed
5. Achieving an in-game goal

Day 81 of 365

1. Bookclub brunch! 
2. NGB being more and more in touch with his moods... and recognizing them for what they are
3. Finishing RL Naxx... actually had to strategize! And I still do not like doing it 
4. Curled up next to NGB on a Sunday afternoon for a little nap in the sun
5. The smell of Walter's feet when he is sleeping in the sun. They smell just like Fritos!! 

Day 80 of 365

1. Getting my act together to get my car fixed
2. A fabulous brunch with NGB
3. Geeking out with friends by candlelight in commemoration of Earth Hour
4. Role-playing. It's like acting in your home, in a safe place, where people won't judge if you don't have a modicum of acting skills (unlike a drama prof)
5. Size. Twenty. Nine. 

Day 79 of 365

1. That I fit into a size 29 jean. Not even caring if it's vanity sizing... TWENTY-NINE people!  
2. Not falling on my apparently skinnier ass when I slipped on ice in front of the garage this morning
3. Streaming video and doggy daycare. I got to watch my littlest shithead pee on one of the doggy beds... back to square one with him *sigh*
4. Seriously... 29!! Woot!! 
5. Having a semi-successful alt Naxx run with me as RL - although I am so not being RL ever again

Day 78 of 365

1. My awesome coworkers - I will miss them when I am gone
2. That I am somehow convincd it's only Tuesday... and tomorrow is Friday!
3. Edo for lunch. I may have to loosen the strap again, but it was yummy
4. The job I really want is sitll screening so there is still the chance I will get an interview!
5. That I remembered to wish my Gracie a happy birthday

Day 77 of 365

1. Finally getting it - my body needs water. My skin has turned to parchment when I went back to just a few glasses a day. 
2. Things in guild and in game are going really well
3. Warmer weather on the horizon - I need me some SPRING
4. Getting my act together to book the AC install, lawn work, car repairs, order contacts, and all those other things I have been ignoring
5. Having to tighten my bra strap - I am not losing weight in numbers but it's still nice to have to tighten things up again 

Day 76 of 365

1. That my dear friend has moved someone completely unworthy of her time out of her life
2. A compliment from a coworker that I handled myself well in a meeting
3. That I may have a better idea about whether I will stay in my curent position... my coworker said he's going to miss me when I am gone
4. Feeling a LITTLE skinnier
5. Leaving work early today

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

To start, the title? A fallacy. Research has shown that extended levels of high stress will have a deleterious effect on your health. We are not, biologically, built for the sustained daily stress we place ourselves under. Fight or flight just doesn't fit today's society. But DESPITE the evidence right now I am believeing the title is true. For my sanity.

I am an officer in guild. In a video game. And so, based on the fact I am the sucker who has agreed to step up and help out, it is ok to rip me apart, since it's what I am paid to do. 

What? You aren't paid? You put up with this shit for FREE? Damn... you are not smart.

We had minor guild drama last night over loot. So in vent, in game, in whispers, in person I had people talking, telling me what I should think/do/say/feel/believe, what I did wrong because it didn't end the way they liked, what I did right because it went the way they liked. 

This is a fabulous learning lesson for me. How to motivate people to do their best (when they aren't getting paid for it), how to praise them for their best (with no money attached), how to reprimand when they are not up to par (again... no money to take away). I am learning when to keep it light, when to be more serious. I am more confident about making a decision but will admit when I make a mistake also. This definitely will help me as I move higher in management in my real job. 

Although last night, as I stood in front of NGB with tears in my eyes, a beer in my hand and letting him know I was going outside for my hidden cigarette... I was not seeing the benefit of this at all. 

Day 75 of 365

And we are to today!! 

1. Having Walter spend the entire night in bed with us, even though he didn't actually sleep anywhere NEAR me - it was all about daddy
2. Not giving into temptation and eating chicken mcnuggets for lunch
3. The new Depeche Mode song, that actually makes me dance in my chair (plus the video is amazing)
4. Making a brand new commitment to being more productive in life, not just in game
5. Every day, more and more, spring is in the air... I need the green back

Day 74 of 365

This is Sunday... 

1. Not quitting being an officer, the guild and/or WoW... I really wanted to
2. Getting my TAXES DONE! 
3. Getting money back on my taxes, which will partially pay for our new air conditioning
4. That I am learning to give in on the things that don't matter - not every battle is worth fighting
5. That I can admit when I am wrong

73 of 365

I am so behind on GiSTing. This is Sat.

1. Indian food then Slumdog Millionaire - a great Saturday night date
2. Spending the day with a dear friend and her adorable daughter
3. Something clicking in my head and now I like my coffee black! 
4. Foot rubs as I soak in a bubble bath
5. almost being able to abandon socks/tights/nyons for a few months - spring come SOON

72 of 365

1. A long but productive meeting
2. Dallas pizza for dinner
3. The Battlestar Galactica Finale - GREAT tv!
4. Getting to giggle at a drunken NGB
5. Getting my 5 year anniversary gift at work - a wine chiller!

Day 71 of 365

1. A fabulously busy day at work
2. A raid that started off bad but became happier
3. A&W for dinner
4. A relaxing bubble bath
5. Sleep. GLorious sleep. 

Update on a smile

Today I was walking to another meeting and I say "spare a smile" guy, from here. He still had the same sign, but he looked so much happier. There was not the same bleakness in his eyes. 

I think the smiles he gets from random strangers is starting to fill the part of him that was empty...

Day 70 of 365

1. That I can almost walk normally after the shred video Monday
2. NGB is also sore from the video - I am not the only one out of shape
3. Plans for wine and gossip with a dear friend tonight
4. Making my deadlines today. Woot! 
5. Tomorrow is the first day of Spring! 

Exercising like a woman

Last night I convicned NGB to do the 30-day shred video with me. He has watched me do it twice now (over two weeks, yes, but I'll get better) and I am not sure he fully appreciated the pain of Ms. Jillian. 

He has some challenges initially. Poor guy is freakishly tall at 6'5" so jumping jacks and lifting his arms overhead in a low ceiling basement is not possible. But he did what he could and modified some exercises. 

About half way through he dropped his arms to his sides, stopped jumping and with a look of exasperation and pain asked:

"When did you stop loving me? Why would you make me DO THIS VIDEO??"

Exercise like a girl, baby... it burns real nice *grin*

Day 69 of 365

1. Happy green-beer day!! 
2. I won on r-r-r-roll up the rim to win! A cup of coffee, but I won
3. Getting my expense claim in with only a few hiccups
4. Lunch at my fave vietnamese restaurant with some of my fave gals
5. That my once too-tight plants are now only tight

Day 68 of 365

1. A productive evening! Made dinner, filed doggy nails, exercised, did some stuff in game, did a load of laundry... woot! 
2. Porridge for breakfast. I will learn to eat in the morning... I will!
3. Getting caught up in the office after a few days away
4. Clearing out the junk emails on my blackberry
5. A fresh start to the being healthy thing

Day 67 of 365

1. Mommy food
2. That NGB cleaned the house for me while I was away
3. Napping in the sun at my parent's place
4. Sleeping in my own bed 
5. Napping at home with my puppies (I slept some today...)

Day 66 of 365

1. Wireless internet that makes boring sessions more bearable
2. Cheezies - imitations will not do! 
3. Geeks everywhere can always have something to talk about
4. Amazing and authentic spaghetti carbonara
5. Sleeping next to NGB again 

Day 65 of 365

1. Meeting my "twin" who looks nothing like me, is 10 years older... but a twin in spirit, nonetheless
2. Spending $38 (plus tip) on wine from the hotel that I bought Friday night for $9 per bottle
3. Liesurely mornings with no commute
4. A good conference, filled with learning
5. Planning ahead and packing too much - can never be too prepared

Day 64 of 365

Wow.. so many days behind. Again, sent out of town on work and was undisciplined

1. A sunny day and dry highway for a winter roadtrip
2. A nice hotel to stay in (thank goodness I didn't have to pay for it)
3. A HOT bath in a deep bathtub
4. Loud music to bop my way down the highway to
5. Even if you don't accept the turn down service at the hotel, they still give you the chocolates

Comparing and I lost...

Last night NGB and I were comparing stomach rolls. Not sexy, but we were both complaining about our weight and showing off our excess. We decided to bring numbers into it. I told him my number. With shock and incredulity in his voice he said...

"Wow! You don't look that heavy"

*sigh*

Well, at least I don't LOOK it. But I am it... time to lose this extra. 

And, no one was harmed after statements that could be seen to be insulting. Or offensive. Or downright MEAN. Yet. 

Day 63 of 365

1. That today will be the last -30 day we'll see until the end of the year (I hope)
2. Tomorrow will be warmer, and the day after that warmer still
3. NGB is 4 pounds down! Although I am only 2 pounds down...
4. Another dear friend is expecting! So many babies everwhere! 
5. Big Bang Theory. I love that show!

Day 62 of 365

This was Monday... 

1. That I managed to get a few things done around the house 
2. The PERFECT bath water temperature
3. When all 4 of us hang out in the bathroom while I have a bath. It used to be invasive, now it's just normal
4. Listening to NGB read Vonnegut to me
5. Being able to intelligently discuss the Vonnegut shorts with NGB afer we finish each one

Day 61 of 365

1. 2 hour nap with the pups and NGB
2. Getting to see my new blog template! 
3. Making revisions to the blog template... 
4. A decent raid, considering there weren't a lot of folks
5. Finally feeling sleepy at midnight

Day 60 of 365

1. Going on a date with NGB to see the Watchmen movie
2. Having ice cream with NGB, when it's -20C outside
3. New bookmarks! I have so many books on the go... 
4. My second bit of guild work, also went well
5. A new and lighter hair colour

Day 59 of 365

1. Dairy Queen ice cream
2. My first bit of official guild work, and it went ok
3. A puppy sleeping on your lap and snoring
4. A puppy sleeping on NGB's lap (I am comfort, he is play - it was nice seeing him as comfort)
5. Loving myself, just the way I am

How a video game taught me something

Last night I was officially made an officer in my guild in a silly video game that I play way too much. And I am SO PROUD. I want to celebrate! And there is no one to celebrate with. My coworkers do not understand. My "normal" friends do not understand. The geeks I know (that don't play) do not understand. My friends in game, many of them used to be officers so I don't want to go there. NGB is going through some stuff that is way more important than a video game... 

This, I think, is part of the learning I need. Restraint. I go through life like big slobbery puppy. Having to do this, to be proud of me quietly and inside, is important. Something I have always respected in others and now I can emulate in myself. 

But maybe, just maybe, I'll have a quiet glass of wine with me tonight to celebrate. 

Day 58 of 365

1. My secondment looks like it will be extended to June 30
2. My office is clean for the first time in a long time
3. I am also caught up on my office filing
4. It's quitting time!
5. Tomorrow I can wear jeans to work

Wow... I am oozing meh. 

Day 57 of 365

1. That I have officially been asked to be an officer in guild
2. A full day of meetings, where I felt productive
3. NGB to come home to vent to
4. That he understands that all venting must not result in solutions
5. Another day of reasonably healthy eating

Where my head is at

My life is good. I am in an amazing relationship with my best friend, I have a house I can afford, adorable dogs that make me smile, a decent job with promising career prospects, fabulous parents, great friends. But there is a part of my life I am not happy about. My personal health. 

I have NOT been taking care of myself. Life exhausts me mentally and physically... I am just tired. And it's that tiredness that makes the thought of doing much of anything utterly overwhelming. I have some ideas about what is setting this off. Quitting smoking. Quitting birth control and getting used to the natural hormones. Being the largest I have ever been and the sheer effort it takes to move this much of me around... When your fat clothes are tight you KNOW there is a problem. 

I have started taking the small steps to bring my health back and NGB has been perfectly supportive, as he struggles along with me. There are the physical parts (exercise, good food, sleep) but the mental steps need to be there too. As me and NGB worked to strengthen our relationship, I realized how many unhealthy thoughts and beliefs I held on to. I thought I was so figured out, so psychologically fit, and then another layer of the Onion that is Life was peeled back, I saw the next level of work and growth. 

Being healthy was a new years resolution that never really got off the ground. I am here to renew my vows with this resolution. 

I will exercise (30-day shreddin' it, bay-bee)

I will drink enough water

I will eat better and give up fast food as often

I will be real with myself and really be myself

However, with all the water drinking comes... Excuse me while I (AGAIN) powder my nose *wink*

EDIT: it is driving me nuts to see the title end in "at", although it was done on purpose. But I will leave it and view this as a growing experience. Even though it drives me nuts... 

Day 56 of 365

1. Twisted Fork restaurant, yummy food for CHEAP
2. Doing the 30-day Shred video for the second time. And I even had an out, since I was heading for dinner. But I did it anyways. WOO HOO!
3. Drinking 10 glasses of water yesterday
4. Salad for lunch and I feel sated with that
5. A very active week planned ahead - it feels good to get out and move!

Bad Monday. Bad.

Today is a bad day. 

I came to work to find my vacation request (for this Friday) refused so that I can't go to the mountains with the Fabs. Then I found out that my boss will likely un-approve my conference next week. Because it will cost him $160 more than he thought. 

I was sad, I was feeling beat down then kicked and emailed NGB to vent. But then NGB made my chest burst into 1 million happiness stars with this response in his email...

"Wow, two emotional kicks in one day! I am truly sorry, and understand why you feel sad about it all. Just know there is a safe and warm house to return home to, and that we will have a very nice dinner tonight. This too will pass, and we will navigate it together."

Damn, I have an amazing man in my life. 

All this comes in the time of great economic uncertainty, recessions, talk about hiring freezes at work, my secondment ending soon and NGB still hunting for work. But I know that the neo-geeks will come through ok and we'll do it together. 

Day 55 of 365

1. NGB who is there to support me through a bad day at work
2. My girlfriends that understand when I can't make it to the girl's weekend
3. Origami stars from Viv that brighten my desk and day
4. Dinner out with my parents and NGB tonight
5. My coworker that is cheering me on with my desire for weight loss

Day 54 of 365

1. Watching a great movie on a Sunday morning
2. Cold pizza for breakfast
3. Finally being able to have a bath (after needing to recaulk the tub... again)
4. NGB being there me when I have a complete break down over my body shape and size after having the above mentioned bath
5. The snorfuls of playing puppies