Day 112 of 365

1. My morning decaf soy latte so assauge the guilt I feel for mising a work deadline
2. Cheap chinese for lunch (more guilt to be taken care of)
3. A night out for a "retirement" party with friends 
4. With a few Strongbows (lingering guilt)
5. A productive meeting in the afternoon, when I didn't feel quite AS stupid

Day 111 of 365

1. Accidental free fries
2. NGB supporting me through my grumpy moods
3. My cycle starting... the explanation for why I have been so grumpy! 
4. NGB joining a band - it's great to see him have an outlet for his passion
5. Tears... they release all the unhappy inside 

Day 110 of 365

This is Tuesday....

1. Caring so much about the "strangers" you game with that a tear comes when they leave
2. A great raid anyways
3. Finding a few jobs to apply for
4. An evening nap before raid
5. Popcorn as an appetizer
   
   

Day 109 of 365

1. A yummy new dinner dish
2. Snuggling on the couch
3. BIG BANG THEORY! Funniest show on TV right now
4. Remembering to watch BBT for the first time in weeks
5. Making it through another Monday with no caffeine

Day 108 of 365

1. Lazy afternoon naps
2. A new world event
3. Finishing "The Book of Negroes" by Lawrence Hill - a good read! 
4. Cookie Dough Blizzard for dessert
5. Making it through a bad raid

Day 107 of 365

Complete brain fart weekend... heeeeere's Saturday! 

1. Getting out for a coffee with a dear friend. It was too short and accidently caffienated but wonderful nonetheless
2. Dinner with my family
3. The Boss for lunch
4. Maybe finding a job I'd really like to apply for... 
5. The cost to fix my noxious car will only be the equivalent of one kidney (not both)

Day 106 of 365

1. My "incentive t-shirt" fits!
2. My car that has manifold issues didn't suffocate me with it's noxious gases on the ride to work
3. Despite it being winter cold outside, the sun is glorious
4. Looking forward to a glass of wine tonight 
5. TGIF! 

Day 105 of 365

We speak now of Thursday. 

1. Two more bosses down in Ulduar
2. Another yummy home-cooked dinner
3. Finding a new song to fall in love with
4. Decaf soy lattes... not bad for me and tastes so almost yummy
5. The possibility of having friends over for dinner on Saturday

Hello again! Let me purge my soul to you...

First, I have fallen in love with yet another song. Mykonos, by Fleet Foxes. It has a very 60's inspired sound and very addictive. Or maybe I have some OCD... either way. Worth a listen to. 

More attempts at marginally healthy. I have started following the GI Diet again, and am doing well with it. It takes more planning at dinner (than running to Wendy's for a burger) but so far the food has been good and filling and I am down a few more pounds! I have also broken up with caffeine, my former BFF... I still long for it's companionship but know this is better. I am sitting here enjoying a soy decaf latte and almost pretending it's as good as the real-deal. And... I have given up wine on school-nights. All these positive changes! And soon the nicotine will disappear again and the exercise will start... and if I can keep it up I will be healthy! How... dull.

Gaming life is good. The guild is doing better, some people that left a few months ago are back and we're filling raids with good players and having fun again. Some stress too, as things have changed since they left and they don't always realize that. But it's better than it has been in awhile. At least we aren't scrambling to fill raids. Now we can focus on moving ahead with no drama and set goals to achieve.

Real life is good too. I am in my job until the end of June, with hopes of staying after that (if possible) with the desire to still find something else. I like the people I work with, but do not see the world in the same way as my boss, and that can be difficult. He's a traditional rule-bound man. Rules are there to be followed to the T, and he can't envision anyone NOT following the rules as they are written down. The softer side; the political implications, the optics, the loopholes... he doesn't see that. He doesn't live in that world and can't imagine anyone else living there. And the one thing I am sure of in life is that I hate certainty, while still desiring security and stability... Wait. I was certain about something, and then? I had to put it in perspective. Soften it to my comfortable shade of grey. This is one thing about me that drive NGB off the deep end. He is comfortable making definitive statements of "If x were to happen, then all problems would be solved". I say "If x were to happen, then some problems would be solved but what about Y and Z's perspectives... they may not see it the same way... and then we can't forget that A is never satisfied...". He sees it as me disagreeing. I see it as me adding the grey-filled context that makes me feel balanced. Maybe this is why I hate math... how can there be only ONE right answer?! 

And right now NGB is in a hard place. He hasn't been working in awhile, and with the economy the way it is finding a job is not easy. And he takes not getting an interview personally, which makes it harder to apply for the next one. It's fascinating, when you meet a person one of the first questions asked is "What do you do?". In society a job, and what job you have, defines you as a person and is the basis of social judgment. And when you say "I am looking for work"... Every day that passes without an interview is harder for him, ever hour of not working makes his self-worth plummet more. And with him, that results in grumpiness which leads to him being more snappish and sometimes me feeling like I need to walk on eggshells. But he is really trying so hard to not be grumpy and I am trying so hard (and failing) to let him know that I don't disagree with him to upset him but that maybe I just have a different opinion... 

I have a question, internet. Hypothetically, of course *wink* If someone says something that you do not agree with, for whatever reason. Or you see something as slightly different. If you just smile and nod, does that imply you DO agree? Ok. I suck at hypothetical. NGB has opinions, and when I may not 100% agree, I tell him. He says I just think he is never right... I see it as different perspectives. And if I don't say anything then later he can come to me and say that since I didn't say anything, that means that I agree. But if I don't? It's a delicate balance, for me, since I hate misrepresnting my opinion and how I see things. Where is the line between being disagreeable and sharing your perspective? Part of it is how I say it... I start with "No" and then the rest is softer. He hears no, feels hurt and demasculinated (a word? me thinks not, but meh) and doesn't hear the rest. I have to change that vocal tic... 

But, really, life is good. NGB is good. Gaming is good. The house and dogs are good. It is all... good. 

Day 104 of 365

1. A FABULOUS raid last night - while I am stepping away I am also finding a new love of the game
2. Some old friends coming back to guild
3. We had a healthy dinner last night, Blueberry Hamburgers and Sweet Potatoe Fries (yes, that IS a healthy meal!)
4. I fit into pants I bought years ago that needed hemming and I gained too much weight before the hemming was done
5. Feeling NGB's hand on the small of my back as I fell asleep

Day 103 of 365

1. Making it through the first day back to work
2. Giving up caffeine always and alcohol on school nights
3. Being able to play my silly game with some good friends again
4. Eating healthy 2 out of 3 meals
5. NGB enabling the p'zone for dinner 

Day 102 of 365

1. Happy Easter to the Orthodox! 
2. Spening time with my wonderful family
   
3. The best home-made cheese... the name kind of sounds like "booze"
4. Seeing a dear friend's son for the first time
5. Feeling happy to log on again... stepping away is good for me

Day 101 of 365

1. Being happier again... stepping AWAY from the WoW and focusing on other things, like baking and puttering around the house
2. Caught up on the laundry! YAY! 
3. Pen n' paper gaming night, always good for a laugh or two (or hundreds)
4. The upstairs vacuumed
5. The sound of the birds singing in the sunshine

Day 100 of 365

1. Triple digit GiSTs... I can't believe I made it this far!
2. Getting something done around the house... and WANTING to again
3. Grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping!
4. NGB. I love him so much
5. A good hair day

Day 99 of 365

1. Getting into Ulduar - new content! 
   
2. My tax return money is in the bank
3. We have a date for the air conditioning install
4. The sound of Sherman's barks
5. I have broken a bit of my WoW addiction... 

Day 98 of 365

1. Paint colour samples for the dogs room
2. Getting to wear my new spring coat (bought early last winter)
3. My curly hair
4. Part 1 of re-organizing the garage is done!
5. My 4-legged and hairy shadows... I am never alone with them constantly under my feet

Day 97 of 365

1. Lunch with a fabulous friend
2. Spring cleaning (and de-cluttering) the bathroom - it looks so much better
3. 3.1 is live today! Although that has meant maintenance and down time all day
4. The fact that the snow that fell today (more snow!) is already melting
5. Actually using iTunes... next step? Using my iPod!!

Day 96 of 365

Monday... this is Monday. Days blur on vacation.

1. Being taken out for breakfast
2. Finishing purging the spare room - we can ACTUALLY have guests stay the night now!
3. Putting my corkboard up in hopes of being less cluttered
4. Getting a label maker. I have ALWAYS wanted a label maker!!!!
5. Feeling lighter as the house gets uncluttered
   
   

Day 95 of 365

1. Easter dinner with my crazy family
2. That NGB can put up with my crazy family
3. That no one in my crazy family called me fat or old (this time)
4. My size 29 jeans? Loose!!!!!!
   
5. Two puppies licking my feet

Day 94 of 365

1. Day 2 of vacation and I have GiSTed both days
   
2. Cookie Dough Blizzards
3. Spring is here -and the yard is mostly doody free!
4. Going for a walk with NGB and the pups - the pups were mostly well beahved too
5. 8 days of vacation left!

Day 93 of 365

1. Making perogies and gossiping all day with my mom
2. Taking the dogs to PetSmart where they charm everyone they meet
3. Sleeping in on a WEEKDAY
4. Dallas Pizza with the folks
5. The first rain and rainbow of 2009 

Day 92 of 365

1. A wonderful date night with NGB (the best Chinese food in Edmonton and browsing through a bookstore)
2. Crispy BBQ Pork - Best. Deep-fried. Food. EVAR. (except maybe deep-friend mars bars. maybe)
3. Feeling a much needed distance from WoW and the guild
4. Watching the pups run around like idiots in the back yard. The digging and walking through the mud is not as much fun...  
5. TOMORROW VACATION STARTS! 

Day 91 of 365

1. That NGB (while not supporting it) accepts my unhealthy coping mechanisms
2. Coworkers that leave Easter chocolates on my desk - thank you Sandra D.!
3. Having the guts to wear cullotts with no tights - the first day of bare legs! Was I hasty? Yes... but I tried
4. The potted daffodils on my desk - maybe despite my black thumb there is a part of me that loves plants and is yearning to be a gardener
5. ONE DAY UNTIL VACATION!

Something real...

I have been struggling with something to write... something that is real. My little lists can only go so far. But there is so little to say but still so much I want to say. 

My work is good. While I am not sure I can stay in my position, I am here until June 30 which is an extension. Am I inspired? Maybe not, but I am challenged at times and keeping myself busy. And I got a raise and am getting a bonus this year. Yay money! 

My relationship is good. Perfect? No. But really, really good. The only thing we argue about is WoW and the guild. Although, to be honest, right now there isn't much more in our lives than WoW and the guild. We kind of need to branch out more... and are starting to. Are there things about him that drive me nuts? Of course! Can I move beyond them? Of course - except the taxes thing. The NOT doing his taxes thing. Eats a tiny little part of my soul everytime I think of it, but I know that one day he WILL have to finish them. Right? Please say yes... (but I have to say, I am proud of me for not nagging. Yet.)

The dogs are wonderful and joyful little balls of furry love. 

The game... the guild. It's eating at my life, my stomach wall... it already ate my desire not to smoke leaving a RAVENOUS smoke-monster in it's place. So many people, so many different expectations, so much drama, personalities, and conflicting desires. So little open communication. This hobby, a VIDEO game, is now a cancer in my life. Growing, festering, choking out the fun and happiness. And when I am not playing the game? I am thinking about it, what's happening in guild, with the people, wondering how we'll do in a raid, who will freak, who will fail. I am constantly yearning for the initial joy I felt when I started - the simple fun. 

I just got a call from the wonderful NGB who has planned an exciting night of foods and activities AWAY from the house and the cancer. Er... the game. I love that man so much

Day 90 of 365

1. Taking a break for the afternoon from all things WoW and guild... and feeling so much happier by doing that
2. That even the harshest criticism about me, personlly, doesn't hurt. What does hurt is not succeeding
3. Hugging my former boss at lunch today. Although maybe I partially did it to make her uncomfortable... 
4. Being ok with the thought of getting a new hobby. Like cleaning the house or exercising
5. Only 2 days until vacation starts! 

Day 89 of 365

1. My secondment has been extended to June 30!! 
2. I am taking next week off!! 
3. So many projects around the huse get to be started and finished!!
4. I get a bonus this year!! 
5. Faith that Mondays can be a good day too :) 

Day 88 of 365

1. What could have been a bad raid and a bad guild meeitng was surprisingly positive
2. More purging! More stuff out of the house! 
3. Brunch with NGB and my parents. And my dad saying I looked skinnier
4. Kissing the top of the head of a puppy that has been baking htemselves in the sun
5. Making plans with NGB for a decadent and yummy BBQ dinner for Monday

Day 87 of 365

1. A fabulous day shopping with a friend
2. A gorgeous cobalt blue trench coat for a steal
3. Taking the time to sort my tupperware... it's been driving me nuts! 
4. Finding a new and amazing Thai restaurant
5. Puppy kisses between my toes

Day 86 of 365

1. A raise I was not expecting!
2. That I still have hope even though my perfect job went to interview without me
3. I gave a speech about doing your best in raid, and it wasn't a complete flop even though people still sucked
4. People in guild do see me as a leader... maybe I could to it for real
5. The right job is out there waiting for me

Day 85 of 365

1. My benefits program - contacts for free! 
2. The ability to survive yet another piece of guild upheaval (I hope)
3. Plans to take a step away from WoW and focus on other parts of life, like friends and the house and gardening and finding new hobbies
4. NGB  reported some definite signs of spring! But now it's snowing... 
5. Daffodils

Day 84 of 365

1. My car is fixed for CHEAP
2. NGB introducing me hot dogs wrapped in pillsbury crescent rolls - OMG yum!
3. April 1 and no pranks fallen for
4. Watching puppies sleep in the sun
5. Random and unexpected foot rubs