Monday, June 1, 2009

Wishful thinking?

I am pretty sure my monthly friend should have visited by now. I am good about tracking, but missed inputting my first day last time. I kept thinking I have to input this before I forget... and I forgot. I know myself so well! I have NO signs of pregnancy. Other than my lateness and my boobs feel even BIGGER. Last week I worked myself up into the highest of FITS over a wisdom tooth removal, which may have sent me out of whack. But what if?

I see a co-worker pregnant and it looks amazing. I listen to my friend's stories and I there is a part of me that is envious. But then I think about the fact that my job is a secondment, NGB is not working right now, the house needs so much work, we have so much debt, we aren't even married yet! We want a family however this is not the right time. But what if? What if there is a little person inside of me, growing. Someone made up partly from me, and partly from the man I love - my best friend and life partner. What if there is a future little geek inside me... someone who's first steps I'll watch, first words will be celebrated, someone who will call ME "mama".

Years ago, I was at a family function at my parent's place. I was maybe around 28? My god-daughter (my second cousin) was there. When she saw me she came running up to me, arms thrown wide, huge smile on her face screaming "aunty!". The sound of a little voice calling me aunty made my heart burt in my chest and brought tears to my eyes... I can't begin to understand how amazing being called mom would be.

Well, off to buy a pregnancy test. Just to lay this wishful thinking to rest.

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