Friday, April 24, 2009

Hello again! Let me purge my soul to you...

First, I have fallen in love with yet another song. Mykonos, by Fleet Foxes. It has a very 60's inspired sound and very addictive. Or maybe I have some OCD... either way. Worth a listen to. 

More attempts at marginally healthy. I have started following the GI Diet again, and am doing well with it. It takes more planning at dinner (than running to Wendy's for a burger) but so far the food has been good and filling and I am down a few more pounds! I have also broken up with caffeine, my former BFF... I still long for it's companionship but know this is better. I am sitting here enjoying a soy decaf latte and almost pretending it's as good as the real-deal. And... I have given up wine on school-nights. All these positive changes! And soon the nicotine will disappear again and the exercise will start... and if I can keep it up I will be healthy! How... dull.

Gaming life is good. The guild is doing better, some people that left a few months ago are back and we're filling raids with good players and having fun again. Some stress too, as things have changed since they left and they don't always realize that. But it's better than it has been in awhile. At least we aren't scrambling to fill raids. Now we can focus on moving ahead with no drama and set goals to achieve.

Real life is good too. I am in my job until the end of June, with hopes of staying after that (if possible) with the desire to still find something else. I like the people I work with, but do not see the world in the same way as my boss, and that can be difficult. He's a traditional rule-bound man. Rules are there to be followed to the T, and he can't envision anyone NOT following the rules as they are written down. The softer side; the political implications, the optics, the loopholes... he doesn't see that. He doesn't live in that world and can't imagine anyone else living there. And the one thing I am sure of in life is that I hate certainty, while still desiring security and stability... Wait. I was certain about something, and then? I had to put it in perspective. Soften it to my comfortable shade of grey. This is one thing about me that drive NGB off the deep end. He is comfortable making definitive statements of "If x were to happen, then all problems would be solved". I say "If x were to happen, then some problems would be solved but what about Y and Z's perspectives... they may not see it the same way... and then we can't forget that A is never satisfied...". He sees it as me disagreeing. I see it as me adding the grey-filled context that makes me feel balanced. Maybe this is why I hate math... how can there be only ONE right answer?! 

And right now NGB is in a hard place. He hasn't been working in awhile, and with the economy the way it is finding a job is not easy. And he takes not getting an interview personally, which makes it harder to apply for the next one. It's fascinating, when you meet a person one of the first questions asked is "What do you do?". In society a job, and what job you have, defines you as a person and is the basis of social judgment. And when you say "I am looking for work"... Every day that passes without an interview is harder for him, ever hour of not working makes his self-worth plummet more. And with him, that results in grumpiness which leads to him being more snappish and sometimes me feeling like I need to walk on eggshells. But he is really trying so hard to not be grumpy and I am trying so hard (and failing) to let him know that I don't disagree with him to upset him but that maybe I just have a different opinion... 

I have a question, internet. Hypothetically, of course *wink* If someone says something that you do not agree with, for whatever reason. Or you see something as slightly different. If you just smile and nod, does that imply you DO agree? Ok. I suck at hypothetical. NGB has opinions, and when I may not 100% agree, I tell him. He says I just think he is never right... I see it as different perspectives. And if I don't say anything then later he can come to me and say that since I didn't say anything, that means that I agree. But if I don't? It's a delicate balance, for me, since I hate misrepresnting my opinion and how I see things. Where is the line between being disagreeable and sharing your perspective? Part of it is how I say it... I start with "No" and then the rest is softer. He hears no, feels hurt and demasculinated (a word? me thinks not, but meh) and doesn't hear the rest. I have to change that vocal tic... 

But, really, life is good. NGB is good. Gaming is good. The house and dogs are good. It is all... good. 

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