Neo-Geek Girl

I am starting to feel pregnant

2009-06-23T10:16:00.001-07:00

I am starting to feel pregnant. My body is changing in some dramatic ways (no clothes fit!) and my hormones are "wonderfully" vibrant. I can go from annoyed to happy to weepy to mushy to exhausted in about 3 seconds flat. "They" say I am currently making extra hormones for the baby and this will start to subside around now so maybe I'll be less of a freak. I hope. It's amazing when your moods can even annoy yourself...

And I have lost my memory. I used to be ok (not great) at keeping life in order. I would remember where I parked the car, what I walked into a room to do, what needed to be done that day. Now, it's just disappeared. Thankfully Neil is there to remind me and he has been wonderful about that. The only thing I can seem to remember is how tired I am and how much I always want just a little nap. I really think there needs to be a nap room at the office. Just to close my eyes for 15 minutes would make me so much more productive!

We have a new fruit! We are now carrying a raspberry around

Although looking at that picture makes me crave raspberries (I am completely in love with fruit). Is that cannibalistic? *grin*

Day 166 of 365

2009-06-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

A successful day of presentations
Lunch paid for by someone else
Mom and dad are home from their vacation
Starting to feel sad about leaving some of the people here in the office
No sadness, though, to be leaving this job

Day 165 of 365

2009-06-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

Midsummer festival in WoW starts
Finding the energy to do laundry!
Walter actually coming upstairs as he is now apparently scared of our bedroom
NGB going to Timmy's for breakfast foods
NGB's MOST tactful reminder that my large and getting heavier breasts will be around my knees if I don't wear some kind of support

Day 164 of 365

2009-06-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Saturday

A wonderful dinner with NGB
The laziest day known to man, and loving it
Sore breasts - any symptoms of pregnancy is good! This has been alomst too easy...
Remembering what not to take for granted
The huff of breath from a puppy when they decide to fall asleep

Day 162 of 365

2009-06-20T11:52:00.001-07:00

Walter's happy dance
Garlicky mashed potatoes (I can taste garlic again!)
The love and support of a a patient man
More closure at my old job
A warm bubble bath

Day 161 of 365

2009-06-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

A lazy day at home
The ability to nap the instant I feel exhausted
I have found my true food love - FRUIT
Watching Sherman sleep curled up in my housecoat
We have the layout of the nursery planned - now we just need the second trimester and the furniture

Day 160 of 365

2009-06-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

Wednesday

A wonderful pasta lunch with girls from work
A wonderful pasta dinner with some girlfriends - and more girls know about the neo geek babe!
My first used pregnancy clothes
More projects winding up at work
NGB, for the first time, touched my belly and kissed it

Introducing the Blueberry

2009-06-16T13:12:00.001-07:00

Sprout is 7 weeks along. He is now a BLUEBERRY.

We have a brain, we have arms and legs and kidneys. We have a little tiny human forming!

I call Sprout a he, although I am not sure a gender yet. Sometimes I think boy, sometimes girl... but he is coming out easily and I'll run with that until I know for sure.

I am still feeling good! Still a little light headed, getting more and more tired everyday. And despite the tiredness, I am waking early in the morning. By around 530am I am up and then cat nap for the rest of the morning. But it's not so bad that I feel any need to get OUT of bed. I am content to lie there, fall in and out of sleep, dream a bit and watch NGB sleep. It completely creeps him out, but I think he looks so handsome and peaceful *grin*

I think the thing I struggle with most right now is that I feel useless. We have a couple of projects that need to get done this year. A big one is the re-stain the fence and strip the paint of the wood siding on the house and repaint it. It must be done, to preserve the fence and house.

But I cannot help.

I can't strip paint, since the old stuff is from the 50's (it was light green... ick!) and could easily contain lead. Which I could inhale. Which is harmful to Sprout. I can't help with the staining. While acrylic paint is ok in a very well ventilated area, stain carries a warning about potential harm to the baby.

I think if I was out to there or at least SHOWING it would make it real and make my uselessness feel more legitmate and less about being lazy. Instead, I have to conscript my parents to do this work for me and help NGB as I sit inside and watch TV in the air conditioning. Actually, I will be inside compulsively cleaning and throwing things out that we don't use. My nesting to date has expressed itself in getting rid of STUFF. Hormones are so much fun!

Day 159 of 365

2009-06-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

BellaBand. My new pants that I will grow into are currently falling off me. The BellaBand is preventing the huge social embarassment of my white granny panties showing
Arizona Diet Blueberry Green Tea - it tastes even BETTER when I am pregnant!
A great meeting this morning and the chance to say goodbye to some wonderful colleagues
Communicator at work - a perfect way to chat with friends and pass the time
Only 3 hours until I can have a nap. I am SO tired!

Day 158 of 365

2009-06-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

Monday

This pregnancy giving me back some of the taste and smell that my allergies have taken away
A few more deadlines met at work
NGB cleaning the house for me Monday, so I wouldn't have to on Sunday, to prepare for company
Having friends over last night and NOT telling them, even though they asked. Repeatedly. Because I wasn't drinking. Apparently me NOT drinking is a huge thing and can only mean there is a baby.
NGB loving me despite my apparently drinkinf problem *grin*

Day 157 of 365

2009-06-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

Getting to talk to my adopted sister about Sprout
Walter snuggled up against me as I was throwing up in the toilet yesterday - he is such a good and loving dog
NGB running upstairs to tell me about something he wants to buy for Sprout, he is so excited
Wanting to do nothing more than crawl into bed and sleep this Sunday away, but finding the energy to get up and do those things that need to be done
Well, finding that energy AFTER my mid-morning nap

Day 156 of 365

2009-06-14T10:31:00.001-07:00

A new amazing breakfast place - Park Allen Restaurant
A full day or errnads and nosing around with NGB
Figuring out what the ONE thing is that makes me puke
How absolutely excited my dad is about this grandchild - he just has to tell everyone!
Finding a dress that will have plenty of room for a July 4th wedding

Day 155 of 365

2009-06-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

Not FEELING pregnant... no morning sickness, just some dizziness and the knowledge I can't have the traditional Friday glass of wine
NGB's best friend is coming to town
Glorious weather predicted for the weekend!!
Meeting my new boss yesterday, and really liking him a lot
Starting to get my office cleaned up for my departure

Day 154 of 365

2009-06-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

Finding CHEAP pants that are really big and baby-gut friendly
REALLY getting it - I NEED water or I get super light-headed
Maybe figuring our what car I want to get
A wonderufl evening with NGB last night
Getting up early enough this morning that I was able to do my dailies and raid prep BEFORE work today! Crazy.

Day 153 of 365

2009-06-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

Being a big girl when they took my blood sample
Remembering Walter's irrational fear of bangles (yes, the bracelets) before his head exploded in fear as I was rubbing his head with the hand wearing the bangles and thus making the tinkling noise RIGHT BY HIS HEAD
A few more "to-do's" crossed off the list of stuff to finish at work before I go
Being able to successfully undertake the COMPLEX peeing in cups that the tests required (Grab cup. Pee. Stop. Wipe. Grab OTHER cup. Finish peeing.)
That I am a mother

First doctor appointment has been DONE

2009-06-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

Today I had my first doctor's appointment. NGB was fabulous and came along to hold my hand and support me. My regular GP is away, so another doctor, Dr. Loiselle, saw me. She asked questions about conception date, guesses right now our due date is February 3rd (ack! even sooner than the internet says!), lifestyle questions, provided some information. And then I had to give blood samples (ick) and pee in a cup for a few standard screens.

One thing that made me happy about this pregnancy happening now was the fact that I am 34 and thus not in that magic "35 = high risk" bracket. Well, I will be GIVING birth when I am 35... so I am actually in that category *sigh*. So we are also booking a screening test, theNuchal scan. It will be an ultrasound (which will also firm up how far along we are) and a blood test. It will look for Trisomy 18, Trisomy 13or the more common Down Syndrome. The tests are 80% effective, with a 5% false positive rate. If there is anything, we move on to the amnio.

The first 2 syndromes, according to the doctor, are "not conducive to life". She said we probably haven't talked about this, but that because of my age the testing is recommended and if there is an abnormality we can terminate the pregnancy. I was impressed at the words chosen, very carefully, so that they were not offensive. But it still means the same...

And we had spoken about it. If it were something that prevented Sprout from leading a happy life, then we would terminate. But that does not include something like Down Syndrome.

But in the next week or two we'll be getting the Nuchal scan appointment booked. Then on July 20 (when I am 11-ish weeks) we go for the first official pre-natal visit.

Between then and now, I get to hope that morning sickness doesn't come along, try to eat well and take care of myself. And buy some new and larger pants because these ones just are not fitting well at all!

Day 152 of 365

2009-06-09T13:56:00.000-07:00

IM at work. Be it the official one, or google... it's nice to chatter with friends and loved ones
Possibly my last Indian buffet for awhile. Felt bloated and dizzy and maybe a wee bit nauseous after todays lunch. I may need a break
Some great jobs on NGB's horizon
The first official post-Sprout doctor appointment tomorrow
Feeling that my life is moving in the right direction... that feeling of being stalled and stuck is gone

Let me introduce you to...

2009-06-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

Sprout (as posted last week... I'll be better about keeping up to date)

NGB called the babe Sprout the other day... and I may have started thinking about him/her as Sprout already. Sprout is about the size of an appleseed now (taken from thebump.com -no plagiarizing here!)

And I still feel good. No horrible side effects, no crazy emotions (yet) just... a surreal feeling. Tomorrow I start week 6*. There will be a new food to compare Sprout in size to. And maybe more side effects? "People" say the morning sickness starts at around week 6 for some. But "people" really say a lot of conflicting stuff.

We have a doctor's appointment on June 10th to get the blood test and figure out where to go next. Find an OB/GYN and hope for a great fit. I am pretty sure I feel better about all this going down in a hospital. Just in case. So I think I will go down the new traditional road of OB/GYN and hospital. But I want the option of a doula. Just in case. You know, I have no clue what I want. I just want to keep my options open and we'll figure this out together.

From the advanced Internet technology I have a predicted due date of February 5th. This, of course, is dependant on the date of my last period, which I may have forgotten to track this month, but THINK it was around May 1. Maybe a few days sooner than that. Something around there.

February 5th. Making Sprout an Aquarius according to zodiac. An Ox (specifically an Earth Ox) in chinese horoscope. And making me appear to have too much time on my hands. Lunch is done, back to work for me!

It's hard to concentrate on policy when my mind is fixated on Sprout...

* Nope. I apparently can't count. Just in week 5 right now - week 6 starts NEXT Friday, June 12.

I am plagiarizing

2009-06-09T09:12:00.001-07:00

I am officially plagiarizing... myself! NGB and I (mostly I) have started ANOTHER blog, detailing the babe and the journey. And that content (that I wrote) will ALSO be housed here. Because I am lazy like that.

First vomitting of the pregnancy last night. It was pretty sudden, my intenstines/uterus felt crampy and strange. Then the metallic tingling in the back of your mouth and a bit more drool and... VOMIT. Made it to the toilet (which strangely smelled like my many years deceased hamster's cage when I would have to clean it).

NGB was fabulous about it all. Came upstairs, rubbed my back, brought me water. He even helped me into bed and brought me crackers while my stomach settled. Once everything was down, we went out for dinner to celebrate this definitive sign of pregnancy!!

Yes, we ARE strange. Thank you for asking *grin*

Day 151 of 365

2009-06-08T15:19:00.000-07:00

No new missing tastes from my palette
Feeling not too tired or fat or whiny
Being able to share the good and the bad with NGB
Better weather on the horizon
A few baby lists created

Day 150 of 365

2009-06-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

Sunday!

Realizing that we need a new car, one that will fit Sprout and his paraphanelia
Finding a car I love!
Putting an offer in on it, but thankfully finding out about the $15,000 accident it was in before we paid for it in full
Stil not much for symptoms of Sprout (other than the inability to taste certain foods)
Dinner with Mom and Dad

Day 149 of 365

2009-06-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

A few days missed... Saturday

Brunch with 2 close friends, who now know about Sprout
The support and ideas I have been getting from friends and family
Vis for Pies desserts
Finally knowing when to give up on a recipe
A quiet night in with NGB, after I bailed on friends that were having a potluck in fear of having to explain why I wasn't drinking because I NEVER say no to a glass of wine!

Day 148 of 365

2009-06-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

Some clarity about my working future
Satisfaction in knowing that I have made positive working relationships
Still no morning sickness
A chance to see a wonderful friend tonight
So much socializing to do this weekend!

Stick number 2

2009-06-05T08:49:00.001-07:00

Life has gottne crazy. I believe I am being offered a new job - one that is a promotion of sorts, new Ministry, new group, new challenges. I'd be at the same level of job, I'd just be supervising people. New skills to learn! It would be a great opportunity for me.

But I am pregnant.

I bought a second stick, peed on it... and definitely. There was nothing faint about THAT line. A different brand, a different type and still yes.

And now to NGB it's real. We are REALLY having a baby. And his head exploded just a few times last night. I may still have brain in my hair...

Day 147 of 365

2009-06-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

A good concert last night
An amazing authentic mexican restaurant discovery!!
Telling one person... someone to talk with
Starting another blog, for me and NGB to track this whole baby thing
Still no morning sickness

Day 146 of 365

2009-06-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

Pear-Lychee Green Tea
Getting groceries bought yesterday - saved us $35!
Doctor appointment booked for next Wednesday, to get this all confirmed
Figuring out a good excuse about why I am not drinking alcohol right now
Another great concert tonight!

Day 145 of 365

2009-06-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

NGB has been absolutely amazing through this life change
I feel good. Very good. Too good?
The AC is DONE! And on budget. And the toilet is fixed for cheap! The house is one piece... for now
NGB has been frantically nesting... it's adorable to see
High Voltage wraps. Fresh ingredients, herbed and grilled after made... Best. Wraps. EVAR!

OMFG

2009-06-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I bought the pee-on-a-stick test. I peed on said stick last night, certain there would be no baby. I put it on the counter, and watched the digital screen. It felt so fast... maybe 30 seconds? And it flashed pregnant.

Pregnant.

I am PREGNANT.

I stood still for about 10 seconds. Then ran down the stairs, stick in hand, to NGB. He looked at me strangely as I shook my head up and down, my hand covering my mouth, tears starting. It was a shock, unexpected. Not planned, not the right timing. But inside me is the start of a human being, made from me and the man I love.

Our reaction to the news? Off to the bookstore, like good little geeks, to get a book so that we can figure out what the fuck to expect. So I bought "what to expect when you're expecting". Everyone reads that one. But there is so much to KNOW. Then we went to tell my parents.

My dad said "Finally!" and started crying. My mom looked a little more taken aback. She hoped we'd be married first... but I know she'll be an amazing grandmother. Baba. There were tears and hugs and shock and love.

Then home, to let it all sink in. The books say I am supposed to be tired. But I am the exact opposite. I woke up at 4am and wasn't able to really fall back asleep and feel fine this morning. I watched NGB sleep, watched him roll around, talk, snore... and tried to let it all sink in.

Symptoms are few. Dizzy spells. My boobs grew a bit more (ugh). I can FEEL my uterus. Almost like menstrual cramps (which made me think the cycle was about to start). But apparently not so much that. There really is nothing else. No nausea, no tiredness, no... nothing. I feel NORMAL. But instead I am growing a human being. It just does not seem real yet.

Day 144 of 365

2009-06-01T13:07:00.000-07:00

A perfectly ripe bananas in your lunch
A new lipstick that is only kinda the wrong colour
The world's most awesome kleenex box
Being smoke-free for 9 days! Minimal weight gain and no fatalities
The AC is in and being tested. From having this AC installed we found out about our leaking toilet AND that our furnace was hooked up wrong and we have been trying to heat the outdoors for the last 3 years. And still our gas bill was cheaper than it was with the old 1972-ish furnace... which shows you how inefficient those things really are!

Wishful thinking?

2009-06-01T12:49:00.001-07:00

I am pretty sure my monthly friend should have visited by now. I am good about tracking, but missed inputting my first day last time. I kept thinking I have to input this before I forget... and I forgot. I know myself so well! I have NO signs of pregnancy. Other than my lateness and my boobs feel even BIGGER. Last week I worked myself up into the highest of FITS over a wisdom tooth removal, which may have sent me out of whack. But what if?

I see a co-worker pregnant and it looks amazing. I listen to my friend's stories and I there is a part of me that is envious. But then I think about the fact that my job is a secondment, NGB is not working right now, the house needs so much work, we have so much debt, we aren't even married yet! We want a family however this is not the right time. But what if? What if there is a little person inside of me, growing. Someone made up partly from me, and partly from the man I love - my best friend and life partner. What if there is a future little geek inside me... someone who's first steps I'll watch, first words will be celebrated, someone who will call ME "mama".

Years ago, I was at a family function at my parent's place. I was maybe around 28? My god-daughter (my second cousin) was there. When she saw me she came running up to me, arms thrown wide, huge smile on her face screaming "aunty!". The sound of a little voice calling me aunty made my heart burt in my chest and brought tears to my eyes... I can't begin to understand how amazing being called mom would be.

Well, off to buy a pregnancy test. Just to lay this wishful thinking to rest.

Day 143 of 365

2009-05-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

The laziest Sunday known to man
Levelling new toons, on a new server
A bad raid, but people stayed calm
CREAMSICLE SWIRL ICECREAM! Almost as good as cookie dough
Another vow, to be healthier tomorrow...

Day 142 of 365

2009-05-31T18:49:00.000-07:00

Saturday

Finally setttling the house colour debate... it's amazing what completely open communication can do
A plan of action for the projects for the sumemr
More garden plants!! Which I don't remember the name of... but they look pretty
Started the massive task of patching the lawn
The electrical done, the AC half done... finishes on Monday

Day 141 of 365

2009-05-31T18:24:00.000-07:00

Friday... I have been lazy!

A productive day at work, even met a few deadlines!
Having my parents over for dinner, when they brought over 2/3 of the meal
A quiet night in, with a great bottle of wine and an even better boyfriend
Listening to Sherman snore
Enjoying taking care of the garden and yard

Day 140 of 365

2009-05-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

There is still one side of my mouth I can chew on. Although I am almost obsessive about chewing on BOTH sides on my mouth. It feels wrong.
My new Betsery Johnson flip flops - the only Betsey I will be able to afford
An application for a good job went in today - the Director has been encouraging me to apply, so this seems positive
I commented on another blog today! I have to be better about comments...
The realization I don't comment as much because I don't actually leave CONTENT on my blog. Just lists. Like this one. *sigh*

Day 139 of 365

2009-05-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

Making it through my wisdom tooth removal yesterday and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be
Howver, the I worked myself into a complete and utter fit before the procedure and I spent the day home from work getting over the stress
Making my Amish Friendship bread - now if I could just find Amish to share with...
More plants for the garden! Impatients, Geraniums and... another one. Damn, I suck at this gardening thing
Another song I have fallen in deep love with - The Mission by Puscifer

Day 138 of 365

2009-05-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Not actually puking from the pre-wisdom tooth removal nervousness (yet)
Sometimes being able to think of something other than the impending tooth removal (for a few seconds)
A new hand cream (Herbacin) that I may have a little crush on
The decision has been made! I will go back to Bikram yoga (properly hydrated)
A song that makes me bounce to the beat (while I think about having a wisdom tooth removed)

Day 137 of 365

2009-05-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

A successful job interview
Now that the job interview is done, I can start stressing about my wisdom tooth removal
Day 2 of no smoking (and no one has died yet!)
No TOO sore after Bikram yoga
Finding the willpower not to frantically feed the nicotine monster living deep in my belly

Day 136 of 365

2009-05-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

Plans to go to a Bikram yoga class
A short check-out line at Costco
Finally hanging a basket of flowers on the hook we installed 3 years ago
Making progress on reclaiming our front yard. Dandelions down, ant farms to go!
A job interview tomorrow!

Day 135 of 365

2009-05-23T08:37:00.001-07:00

Getting the garden in, and it looks wonderful!
Making improvements in the yard
Spending the morning with NGB and my parents, the people I care about most
Having friends over in the evening to be big geeks
Falling asleep slightly achy... it's nice to work your body once in awhile

Day 134 of 365

2009-05-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

My size 29 jeans? Too big!!
A crazy scary-busy weekend ahead (and hopes of getting it all done)
The A/C is coming! The A/C is coming! Well, the unit... install next week
Star Trek (the movie) - so much better than I thought it would be!
Free burgers at puppy daycare to celebrate one year of their business being open

Day 133 of 365

2009-05-21T07:44:00.000-07:00

20 minutes of thinking maybe WE won the almost $50 million lotto (one ticket, sold in our town)
Feeling slimmer again today... and NGB is too (GI Diet ftw)
Raid called early
Busy, busy, busy at work!
A sleeping puppy's breath on my ankle

Day 132 of 365

2009-05-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

Not losing my mind at passive aggressive stupidity
A night full of projects to do
Another dinner made at home
And even doing the dishes after!
Watching the pups roost in my housecoat as I sit in the most perfect bath water

Day 131 of 365

2009-05-19T08:05:00.000-07:00

Winning $55 on the lotto and reinvesting some
Remembering to bring a lunch today (even though I forgot I am going for Indian with a friend)
Amazing Indian buffet for lunch
A patient boyfriend who understands and supports
Only some snow today (so far)

Day 130 of 265

2009-05-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

Monday

NGB running out to get Blizzards on a cold afternoon
NGB running out to get brownies on a cold and SNOWY evening
Not leaving the house: Day 2
Finding a new show to like!
Stepping awa from the computer (and in front of the TV but it's a start!)

Day 129 of 365

2009-05-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

A lazy rainy Sunday
A good raid and another boss down
New yummy salad discovery
Not leaving the house all day
Knowing tomorrow is a holiday and there will be no work on Monday!

Day 128 of 265

2009-05-17T14:36:00.001-07:00

Saturday

Buying the paint for the dog's room and other productive errands
A wonderful belated mother's day dinner with my parents
A new restaurant found - AMAZING wraps there
Sleeping in very very late
A new external drive for my computers

Day 127 of 365

2009-05-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

Maybe being somewhat smart-ish in a meeting this morning
Waking up and remembering my freaky half-awake/half-asleep dreams
A great concert last night, Joel Plasket. An entertainer and artist (not a lip-syncer)
The friday before a LONG WEEKEND
5 years with NGB... damn. And he still hasn't made an honest woman out of me *grin*

Day 126 of 365

2009-05-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

Taking lunch from home
It didnt snow too much today (stupid weather)
NGB being so sweet and loving when I am feeling irrationally grumpy
$40 million dollar lotto prize
Being told I look skinny today

How...

2009-05-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

Drivng to the farm Monday night I had the sudden belief I was pregnant. I would have been JUST pregnant... it was only a few days from the last time NGB and I got all adult friendly. And that was the first time in awhile.

The idea was so clear in my head I almost announced it to my parents that desperately want grandchildren. I believe it is a wondeful case of PMS-hormone induced insanity... but does anyone ever just know?

Day 125 of 365

2009-05-13T13:25:00.001-07:00

Caught up again!

Weather that is better than forcasted
Hawkins Cheezies, my current true-love food
Another commitment from NGB to get his passport application in
My new hair colour is not as red as I feared it was
A decent raid night

You want me to put my ass WHERE?

2009-05-13T12:51:00.002-07:00

My Uncle's funeral was yesterday. We filled up the van, bundled up against the snow (yes, snow on May 12) and headed out for the 1 hour drive to the farm. On the way we stopped at Tim Horton's for a fuel up, to make the trip bearable.

Because of my proclivity to car sickness I got the front seat. With my knees snuggled up against the dashboard (to give NGB's legs some room behind me) we drove out telling stories, sharing ideas, inerrupting each other. We got to the church at the farm in good time and I hopped out and started to make my way through the snow brushed green grass and I realized something vital. I had to pee. No, make that, I HAD to pee. While this is generally a problem easily solved there is one hiccup. The church? It has no plumbing. It has no heat or insulation either (other than a wood stove) but that is another post all together. However, it DOES have an outhouse. Well, 2. One marked "women" and one marked "men".

NGB was raised partially on the farm as were my parents. They all laughed uproariously as I danced the pee-pee dance and fought the suggestion to pee in the wooden box. After a bit of teasing, to prove to them I am NOT a wimpy city girl, I walked bravely to the outhouse and unlocked the door. The door that is locked in THREE ways on the outside... With some struggling I got it, opened the door and saw...

Well, what could I really be expecting? Gold plated seats? I small heater? A hand sanitizer container filled with softy foral scented soap? No. But I could have expected a ROOF. Something to prevent the snow from piling on the cold splintered wood with the oval shaped hole. I stared... I tried to suck it up, be a tough girl. But the thought of snow on my sensitive behind? No. I stepped away and told NGB, who was beside me, that I would wait until we got to the hall. He offered me his boy-outhouse. With no toilet paper or light. Then my stomach turned from the scent and I said no. I think it turned his stomach too, he walked away with me. Or it could have been that he ddn't want to stoop over to pee in the hole (the outhouse itself was a few inches shorter than him).

Willing away the bladder pain I walked into the church, through a throng of my aunt & uncle's pierced grandsons and made my way into the tiny church. I found my aunt and gave her a hug. We talked and I mentioned the outhouse... the sun-roofed outhouse. She laughed at my squeemishness and told me I should have squatted behind it.

You are not taught how to squat in the city. You are taught to assess a place for the cleanliness of their bathrooms, or to find a place that has cheap drinks in case it's "customers only". As I explained to my aunt that to successfully pee in the bush I need to disrobe from the waist down (shoes and socks included), pile everything on a log or some other raised surface then walk 10 feet away, preferrably downhill, to do my business. She began to chuckle and called me a "sprayer".

I am sprayer. Hear me tinkle!

But I was able to make her smile on a sad day. And successfully made my way to the hall before the service, to pee in the flushing toilets over there.

Day 124 of 365

2009-05-13T12:51:00.001-07:00

Tuesday

Flushing toilets
Roofs over flushing toilets
Tim Horton's French Vanilla Iced Capp (with whipping cream)
Having something else to hang over NGB's head... he ate my ENTIRE dessert in one bite when there were no more to be had. Blackmail!
Family

Day 123 of 365

2009-05-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

Monday

For the first time ever, my aunt was able to say "I love you too"
Listening to my mom tell the same story about the same corner every time we drive in the area where she grew up
NGB in a suit - he cleans up purtty
The drive home before rush hour starts. It is SO much calmer
Prem sandwiches on a day when I am craving salt (and lacking in any taste, apparently)

Day 122 of 365

2009-05-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

Sunday

My mom. Happy Mother's Day Hakka
Potato pancakes and sour cream
Lazy, slightly hungover afternoons
Another boss down in 10 man
The trees are starting to bud leaves

Day 121 of 365

2009-05-09T16:24:00.000-07:00

A new hair colour
A clean house just in time for guests
Loads of food and beer and wine (for guests)
Having guests over
Sherman and Walter laying side my side in the sun

Day 120 of 365

2009-05-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

Lunch with great girlfriends
A busy and active week ahead
The excitement my pups show when I pick them up from daycare
NGB's new cologne - YUM
Cute summer shoes are out for the next few months!

Day 119 of 365

2009-05-07T20:34:00.001-07:00

A semi-successful raid
Having work to do that made me think
Lunch with the old friend I reconnected with - it was like we had never stopped talking
Job possibilities for NGB
My parents safely home from their conference

Day 118 of 365

2009-05-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

Finding my cute white shoes again
Running into an old friend who I forgot I missed
A relaxing bath with a fluff book
Almost success with a new yummy recipe
Falling asleep with 2 puppies at my feet

Day 117 of 365

2009-05-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

Honest conversation with a coworker I respect
Understanding that the project looked so much at the trees that it missed the forest
Coming home to the man I love
Having my leadership experience in a video game discussed in a MBA business class
Knowing it is time to move on

A different kind of mourning

2009-05-04T08:07:00.001-07:00

This weekend there was a death in the family. My uncle passed away. Uncle by marriage, my mom's sister's husband. And yet I feel no sadness...

My Uncle was an old-school kind of man. He was born and raised on the farm in an era that no longer exists. And yet those antiquated ideas lived on in him.

Man is the head of the household.

No love shown, no support given.

However abuse, both emotional and physcial, is given at will.

He was a hard working man, he gave his family everything they needed except love.

My aunt's story is sad and while it is not mine to tell I want to still have the words out there, somewhere, for someone to see. So that someone knows the wonderful woman whose life was not fair.

Let's go back to her childhood. My grandfather was not around much on the farm. He was away, in the city, with other women. When he was around home he had nothing but anger to give his family. My grandmother was also an angry woman who hated the way life ended up. She was unable to show love. My aunt was raised in this house (as was my mother and my uncle).

Off on a tangent I go! One day I was visiting my aunt in the hospital after one of her many operations to replace another part of her body that was worked until it broke. She was groggy on pain medications and alone in her drab hospital room, built in the 50's. On impluse, I crawled into bed with her ,wrapped my arms around her and we talked. I think it was the medications that let her drop her guard but she actually talked to me. She told me that her childhood was hard. I know it was hard for my mother, but she spoke about how she would try to shield her younger brother and sister from the worst. At the first chance to get out, only by marriage in that day, she left. A child still, not even 18, she married a dashing young man who farmed near where she was raised. My uncle. And almost from the start it was wrong. My uncle did not know how to show love. And then more anger, just like her childhood... she didn't actually get away.

That same hospital trip where I hugged her and we talked, my mom bought her a silly teddy bear. Small, something from the gift shop. My aunt held it close, like a baby, and had tears in her eyes. A woman in her 60's.... and this was her first stuffed bear.

Well, after over a half-century of marriage my aunt is alone. My uncle died, they could never figure out what was going wrong... he was too ill for the testing.

I don't mourn his death although I know I should. I mourn the loss of her life, her happiness, her dreams. And now that she has a chance to find some happiness I am scared that it's too late, that she is too broken, too used to the lack of love to know anything else.

Day 116 of 365

2009-05-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

Vanilla Bean Lattes
Applying for a job I am very excited about
Baconator for dinner (screw the diet!)
Getting around to sorting my shoes.... I have too many
The snorful sound Sherm makes when he's reaching to grab something

Day 115 of 365

2009-05-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

Sunday

Sunday brunch with wonderful friends and their families
Getting B&BW lemon soap for the kitchen (it smells like happy!)
A few more projects crossed off the list
Watching the pups play chase in the backyard under the sun
2 more bosses in Ulduar!

Day 114 of 365

2009-05-02T16:25:00.001-07:00

Summer is in the air!
Getting a new and environmentally friendly mower
Ulduar 10, new bosses killed
Sleepy sunny puppies
Watching a movie with NGB and the pups

Day 113 of 365

2009-05-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

Volunteering our house for a "shooter party"
My hair is long enough for an itty-bitty teeny-weeny little ponytail!!!
www.fmylife.com - hours of fun! Although damn... a lot of kids have sex
A compliment on how guild has been running
More confirmation I need to find a new job

Day 112 of 365

2009-04-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

My morning decaf soy latte so assauge the guilt I feel for mising a work deadline
Cheap chinese for lunch (more guilt to be taken care of)
A night out for a "retirement" party with friends
With a few Strongbows (lingering guilt)
A productive meeting in the afternoon, when I didn't feel quite AS stupid

Day 111 of 365

2009-04-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

Accidental free fries
NGB supporting me through my grumpy moods
My cycle starting... the explanation for why I have been so grumpy!
NGB joining a band - it's great to see him have an outlet for his passion
Tears... they release all the unhappy inside

Day 110 of 365

2009-04-28T08:00:00.001-07:00

This is Tuesday....

Caring so much about the "strangers" you game with that a tear comes when they leave
A great raid anyways
Finding a few jobs to apply for
An evening nap before raid
Popcorn as an appetizer

Day 109 of 365

2009-04-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

A yummy new dinner dish
Snuggling on the couch
BIG BANG THEORY! Funniest show on TV right now
Remembering to watch BBT for the first time in weeks
Making it through another Monday with no caffeine

Day 108 of 365

2009-04-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

Lazy afternoon naps
A new world event
Finishing "The Book of Negroes" by Lawrence Hill - a good read!
Cookie Dough Blizzard for dessert
Making it through a bad raid

Day 107 of 365

2009-04-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

Complete brain fart weekend... heeeeere's Saturday!

Getting out for a coffee with a dear friend. It was too short and accidently caffienated but wonderful nonetheless
Dinner with my family
The Boss for lunch
Maybe finding a job I'd really like to apply for...
The cost to fix my noxious car will only be the equivalent of one kidney (not both)

Day 106 of 365

2009-04-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

My "incentive t-shirt" fits!
My car that has manifold issues didn't suffocate me with it's noxious gases on the ride to work
Despite it being winter cold outside, the sun is glorious
Looking forward to a glass of wine tonight
TGIF!

Day 105 of 365

2009-04-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

We speak now of Thursday.

Two more bosses down in Ulduar
Another yummy home-cooked dinner
Finding a new song to fall in love with
Decaf soy lattes... not bad for me and tastes so almost yummy
The possibility of having friends over for dinner on Saturday

Hello again! Let me purge my soul to you...

2009-04-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

First, I have fallen in love with yet another song. Mykonos, by Fleet Foxes. It has a very 60's inspired sound and very addictive. Or maybe I have some OCD... either way. Worth a listen to.

More attempts at marginally healthy. I have started following the GI Diet again, and am doing well with it. It takes more planning at dinner (than running to Wendy's for a burger) but so far the food has been good and filling and I am down a few more pounds! I have also broken up with caffeine, my former BFF... I still long for it's companionship but know this is better. I am sitting here enjoying a soy decaf latte and almost pretending it's as good as the real-deal. And... I have given up wine on school-nights. All these positive changes! And soon the nicotine will disappear again and the exercise will start... and if I can keep it up I will be healthy! How... dull.

Gaming life is good. The guild is doing better, some people that left a few months ago are back and we're filling raids with good players and having fun again. Some stress too, as things have changed since they left and they don't always realize that. But it's better than it has been in awhile. At least we aren't scrambling to fill raids. Now we can focus on moving ahead with no drama and set goals to achieve.

Real life is good too. I am in my job until the end of June, with hopes of staying after that (if possible) with the desire to still find something else. I like the people I work with, but do not see the world in the same way as my boss, and that can be difficult. He's a traditional rule-bound man. Rules are there to be followed to the T, and he can't envision anyone NOT following the rules as they are written down. The softer side; the political implications, the optics, the loopholes... he doesn't see that. He doesn't live in that world and can't imagine anyone else living there. And the one thing I am sure of in life is that I hate certainty, while still desiring security and stability... Wait. I was certain about something, and then? I had to put it in perspective. Soften it to my comfortable shade of grey. This is one thing about me that drive NGB off the deep end. He is comfortable making definitive statements of "If x were to happen, then all problems would be solved". I say "If x were to happen, then some problems would be solved but what about Y and Z's perspectives... they may not see it the same way... and then we can't forget that A is never satisfied...". He sees it as me disagreeing. I see it as me adding the grey-filled context that makes me feel balanced. Maybe this is why I hate math... how can there be only ONE right answer?!

And right now NGB is in a hard place. He hasn't been working in awhile, and with the economy the way it is finding a job is not easy. And he takes not getting an interview personally, which makes it harder to apply for the next one. It's fascinating, when you meet a person one of the first questions asked is "What do you do?". In society a job, and what job you have, defines you as a person and is the basis of social judgment. And when you say "I am looking for work"... Every day that passes without an interview is harder for him, ever hour of not working makes his self-worth plummet more. And with him, that results in grumpiness which leads to him being more snappish and sometimes me feeling like I need to walk on eggshells. But he is really trying so hard to not be grumpy and I am trying so hard (and failing) to let him know that I don't disagree with him to upset him but that maybe I just have a different opinion...

I have a question, internet. Hypothetically, of course *wink* If someone says something that you do not agree with, for whatever reason. Or you see something as slightly different. If you just smile and nod, does that imply you DO agree? Ok. I suck at hypothetical. NGB has opinions, and when I may not 100% agree, I tell him. He says I just think he is never right... I see it as different perspectives. And if I don't say anything then later he can come to me and say that since I didn't say anything, that means that I agree. But if I don't? It's a delicate balance, for me, since I hate misrepresnting my opinion and how I see things. Where is the line between being disagreeable and sharing your perspective? Part of it is how I say it... I start with "No" and then the rest is softer. He hears no, feels hurt and demasculinated (a word? me thinks not, but meh) and doesn't hear the rest. I have to change that vocal tic...

But, really, life is good. NGB is good. Gaming is good. The house and dogs are good. It is all... good.

Day 104 of 365

2009-04-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

A FABULOUS raid last night - while I am stepping away I am also finding a new love of the game
Some old friends coming back to guild
We had a healthy dinner last night, Blueberry Hamburgers and Sweet Potatoe Fries (yes, that IS a healthy meal!)
I fit into pants I bought years ago that needed hemming and I gained too much weight before the hemming was done
Feeling NGB's hand on the small of my back as I fell asleep

Day 103 of 365

2009-04-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

Making it through the first day back to work
Giving up caffeine always and alcohol on school nights
Being able to play my silly game with some good friends again
Eating healthy 2 out of 3 meals
NGB enabling the p'zone for dinner

Day 102 of 365

2009-04-19T16:30:00.001-07:00

Happy Easter to the Orthodox!
Spening time with my wonderful family
The best home-made cheese... the name kind of sounds like "booze"
Seeing a dear friend's son for the first time
Feeling happy to log on again... stepping away is good for me

Day 101 of 365

2009-04-18T13:33:00.001-07:00

Being happier again... stepping AWAY from the WoW and focusing on other things, like baking and puttering around the house
Caught up on the laundry! YAY!
Pen n' paper gaming night, always good for a laugh or two (or hundreds)
The upstairs vacuumed
The sound of the birds singing in the sunshine

Day 100 of 365

2009-04-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

Triple digit GiSTs... I can't believe I made it this far!
Getting something done around the house... and WANTING to again
Grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping!
NGB. I love him so much
A good hair day

Day 99 of 365

2009-04-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

Getting into Ulduar - new content!
My tax return money is in the bank
We have a date for the air conditioning install
The sound of Sherman's barks
I have broken a bit of my WoW addiction...

Day 98 of 365

2009-04-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

Paint colour samples for the dogs room
Getting to wear my new spring coat (bought early last winter)
My curly hair
Part 1 of re-organizing the garage is done!
My 4-legged and hairy shadows... I am never alone with them constantly under my feet

Day 97 of 365

2009-04-14T15:25:00.001-07:00

Lunch with a fabulous friend
Spring cleaning (and de-cluttering) the bathroom - it looks so much better
3.1 is live today! Although that has meant maintenance and down time all day
The fact that the snow that fell today (more snow!) is already melting
Actually using iTunes... next step? Using my iPod!!

Day 96 of 365

2009-04-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

Monday... this is Monday. Days blur on vacation.

Being taken out for breakfast
Finishing purging the spare room - we can ACTUALLY have guests stay the night now!
Putting my corkboard up in hopes of being less cluttered
Getting a label maker. I have ALWAYS wanted a label maker!!!!
Feeling lighter as the house gets uncluttered

Day 95 of 365

2009-04-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Easter dinner with my crazy family
That NGB can put up with my crazy family
That no one in my crazy family called me fat or old (this time)
My size 29 jeans? Loose!!!!!!
Two puppies licking my feet

Day 94 of 365

2009-04-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

Day 2 of vacation and I have GiSTed both days
Cookie Dough Blizzards
Spring is here -and the yard is mostly doody free!
Going for a walk with NGB and the pups - the pups were mostly well beahved too
8 days of vacation left!

Day 93 of 365

2009-04-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

Making perogies and gossiping all day with my mom
Taking the dogs to PetSmart where they charm everyone they meet
Sleeping in on a WEEKDAY
Dallas Pizza with the folks
The first rain and rainbow of 2009

Day 92 of 365

2009-04-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

A wonderful date night with NGB (the best Chinese food in Edmonton and browsing through a bookstore)
Crispy BBQ Pork - Best. Deep-fried. Food. EVAR. (except maybe deep-friend mars bars. maybe)
Feeling a much needed distance from WoW and the guild
Watching the pups run around like idiots in the back yard. The digging and walking through the mud is not as much fun...
TOMORROW VACATION STARTS!

Day 91 of 365

2009-04-08T13:01:00.001-07:00

That NGB (while not supporting it) accepts my unhealthy coping mechanisms
Coworkers that leave Easter chocolates on my desk - thank you Sandra D.!
Having the guts to wear cullotts with no tights - the first day of bare legs! Was I hasty? Yes... but I tried
The potted daffodils on my desk - maybe despite my black thumb there is a part of me that loves plants and is yearning to be a gardener
ONE DAY UNTIL VACATION!

Something real...

2009-04-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling with something to write... something that is real. My little lists can only go so far. But there is so little to say but still so much I want to say.

My work is good. While I am not sure I can stay in my position, I am here until June 30 which is an extension. Am I inspired? Maybe not, but I am challenged at times and keeping myself busy. And I got a raise and am getting a bonus this year. Yay money!

My relationship is good. Perfect? No. But really, really good. The only thing we argue about is WoW and the guild. Although, to be honest, right now there isn't much more in our lives than WoW and the guild. We kind of need to branch out more... and are starting to. Are there things about him that drive me nuts? Of course! Can I move beyond them? Of course - except the taxes thing. The NOT doing his taxes thing. Eats a tiny little part of my soul everytime I think of it, but I know that one day he WILL have to finish them. Right? Please say yes... (but I have to say, I am proud of me for not nagging. Yet.)

The dogs are wonderful and joyful little balls of furry love.

The game... the guild. It's eating at my life, my stomach wall... it already ate my desire not to smoke leaving a RAVENOUS smoke-monster in it's place. So many people, so many different expectations, so much drama, personalities, and conflicting desires. So little open communication. This hobby, a VIDEO game, is now a cancer in my life. Growing, festering, choking out the fun and happiness. And when I am not playing the game? I am thinking about it, what's happening in guild, with the people, wondering how we'll do in a raid, who will freak, who will fail. I am constantly yearning for the initial joy I felt when I started - the simple fun.

I just got a call from the wonderful NGB who has planned an exciting night of foods and activities AWAY from the house and the cancer. Er... the game. I love that man so much

Day 90 of 365

2009-04-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

Taking a break for the afternoon from all things WoW and guild... and feeling so much happier by doing that
That even the harshest criticism about me, personlly, doesn't hurt. What does hurt is not succeeding
Hugging my former boss at lunch today. Although maybe I partially did it to make her uncomfortable...
Being ok with the thought of getting a new hobby. Like cleaning the house or exercising
Only 2 days until vacation starts!

Day 89 of 365

2009-04-06T13:41:00.001-07:00

My secondment has been extended to June 30!!
I am taking next week off!!
So many projects around the huse get to be started and finished!!
I get a bonus this year!!
Faith that Mondays can be a good day too :)

Day 88 of 365

2009-04-06T13:26:00.001-07:00

What could have been a bad raid and a bad guild meeitng was surprisingly positive
More purging! More stuff out of the house!
Brunch with NGB and my parents. And my dad saying I looked skinnier
Kissing the top of the head of a puppy that has been baking htemselves in the sun
Making plans with NGB for a decadent and yummy BBQ dinner for Monday

Day 87 of 365

2009-04-04T22:12:00.000-07:00

A fabulous day shopping with a friend
A gorgeous cobalt blue trench coat for a steal
Taking the time to sort my tupperware... it's been driving me nuts!
Finding a new and amazing Thai restaurant
Puppy kisses between my toes

Day 86 of 365

2009-04-03T15:06:00.000-07:00

A raise I was not expecting!
That I still have hope even though my perfect job went to interview without me
I gave a speech about doing your best in raid, and it wasn't a complete flop even though people still sucked
People in guild do see me as a leader... maybe I could to it for real
The right job is out there waiting for me

Day 85 of 365

2009-04-02T14:23:00.000-07:00

My benefits program - contacts for free!
The ability to survive yet another piece of guild upheaval (I hope)
Plans to take a step away from WoW and focus on other parts of life, like friends and the house and gardening and finding new hobbies
NGB reported some definite signs of spring! But now it's snowing...
Daffodils

Day 84 of 365

2009-04-01T14:57:00.000-07:00

My car is fixed for CHEAP
NGB introducing me hot dogs wrapped in pillsbury crescent rolls - OMG yum!
April 1 and no pranks fallen for
Watching puppies sleep in the sun
Random and unexpected foot rubs

Day 83 of 365

2009-03-31T08:11:00.000-07:00

That NGB forgave me for being such a grump this morning
I have not cried today (yet)
The guts call the dentist for an appointment because I know I have a cavity...
I have confidence in me and in my abilities. Finally.
Unicorns and rainbows and cotton candy and kittens

Yes, I am not having a good day.

Yes, I am struggling for GiSTs.

Yes, I know I haven't posted real content in awhile.

Yes, I know that no one notices :)

To Wednesday being better!!

Day 82 of 365

2009-03-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

There is so much to read (and waste time with) on the internet
An efficient line for morning coffee
NGB. Right now, I am just so grateful he is in my life.
My car will one day, eventually, be fixed
Achieving an in-game goal

Day 81 of 365

2009-03-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

Bookclub brunch!
NGB being more and more in touch with his moods... and recognizing them for what they are
Finishing RL Naxx... actually had to strategize! And I still do not like doing it
Curled up next to NGB on a Sunday afternoon for a little nap in the sun
The smell of Walter's feet when he is sleeping in the sun. They smell just like Fritos!!

Day 80 of 365

2009-03-29T17:05:00.000-07:00

Getting my act together to get my car fixed
A fabulous brunch with NGB
Geeking out with friends by candlelight in commemoration of Earth Hour
Role-playing. It's like acting in your home, in a safe place, where people won't judge if you don't have a modicum of acting skills (unlike a drama prof)
Size. Twenty. Nine.

Day 79 of 365

2009-03-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

That I fit into a size 29 jean. Not even caring if it's vanity sizing... TWENTY-NINE people!
Not falling on my apparently skinnier ass when I slipped on ice in front of the garage this morning
Streaming video and doggy daycare. I got to watch my littlest shithead pee on one of the doggy beds... back to square one with him *sigh*
Seriously... 29!! Woot!!
Having a semi-successful alt Naxx run with me as RL - although I am so not being RL ever again